To the Dani who walked into 2009:

You don’t know me. I’m certain of this because from where I’m standing, we look like nearly polar opposites, and the last decade has involved some pretty intense changes. But, as I’ve learned, we still have so much in common. Turns out, there are some parts of our shared identity that are REALLY hard to beat out of us. But the next ten years are absolutely going to try. So here are some bits of advice and information I’ve picked up along the way. In the hypothetical world where you pick up on this type of stuff, it will prove very helpful.

The “sinners” know something the “saints” don’t know (or refuse to admit). You’ll find a deeper love in gay bars than you will ever know in churches. Don’t pin a holy presence into a steeple or your definitions of goodness on conventions.  Faith will change you, break you, and bring you many good things — but evangelical culture will  create a mold you don’t fit in and convince you to hate yourself when you don’t fit into it. At the end of the day, the people who know how messy life can get will be there when the real mess happens.

Never stop seeking. Your truth and identity are ever-evolving. 

Don’t be afraid to carve your own path. You don’t have the luxury of doing well on the paths laid out for you by others. Your adventure, your euphoria, your identity, your dreams, don’t lie on most existing maps. You’ll fight a hell of a lot harder, but your dreams will happen. Just not in the way you realize.

(This’ll throw you — not many people walk the path from leading a worship team to being a drag king. That’s on the horizon. Enjoy it.)

I cannot express to you how good it will feel once you’ve broken away from the conventions and expectations the next 7 years will build for you. But the breaking will shatter you. It will make you feel like there’s no part of your identity left, no part that’s safe. You’ll feel that you lost everything you loved about yourself, you’ll face all your fears left to your own devices. Know that your desire to show extravagant love and be a safe place to those around you are parts of your identity, not your belief system. They will not leave with the conventions of religious life. Don’t spend so much time thinking you’re resigned to coldness and destruction. You’re not. You are still every beautiful thing you’ve always been.

You’re not an extrovert, you’re just afraid of being alone. People will create safe spaces for you, but your energy comes from your reflection. Learn to create your own safe space and find your solace there. The people who love you best will encourage your introvert time and be there when you’re ready to emerge again.

Stop trying to be a straight girl. You are neither of those things and continually trying to play the part is causing you more stress than necessary. You have so much more to worry about than fitting a mold that’s not even yours.

You do know how to look good. You just don’t know how to look like everybody else. And that’s okay. Just because it doesn’t look like the people around you doesn’t mean it’s not style.

Keep your eye on those who love without condition. The transitions coming in the next decade will take away most of your hopes for fitting in and pleasing everybody. Your identity will become a problem for the majority of the people you will meet in the next five years, and the five years after that will contain you meeting the majority of the ones who embrace your identity. Some will love you as a way to guide you in the way they think you should go. Those people will fade into the background as you find more about your own truth. The ones who keep supporting you, who remind you just as faithfully now as they did when you were in high school that you are loved and worthy of love, are few but so, so important. Those are the people who love like Jesus does.

Oh, and the queer community. Those people. They’ll love you like you’ve never experienced. If you could find them quicker, you’ll be a lot better for it. Trust me on this one.

Your fight with your brain is not made up. Your mental health condition is real and concrete and is not a product of your failure. You deserve to talk about it, you deserve to seek help, and you deserve to be around people who will be gentle and real with you.

Be mindful of the company you keep. You will meet so many incredible, beautiful people throughout the years. A lot of those people will leave. A lot of those people will convince you of things that aren’t true. A lot of relationships (not by their fault OR yours) will breed instability, unhealthy attachment, and confusion. That is not just fate’s way of telling you that you don’t deserve to be loved, it’s not because you aren’t lovable, and it’s not your fault.

People do exist in this world that will love you the way you need to be loved, that will speak your language, and that will breed confidence and assurance in their love for you. You’ll find friends who remind you tirelessly that your brain’s attacks on you aren’t truth and enjoy loving you. Those humans exist. I am so deeply sorry you will spend so much believing they don’t. I’m even more sorry for how long you’ll believe it’s your fault.

You are not dirty, sinful, or covered in handprints. Don’t try to wash yourself away because trauma and purity culture left you convinced you’re not whole. There’s nothing you need to erase in order to be worthy of love. Your sexuality, however it evolves, is not a sin.

Stop begging for God to change you. You are worth loving exactly as you are, in whatever state you’re in, and however you evolve. Give yourself kindness and gentleness in the space you’re in.

Brace yourself, kid. The next ten years will be more than you can imagine. You’ll be broken and changed and shaken in ways you don’t know exist, you’ll accomplish more than you ever thought you’d be capable of, and you’ll meet so many beautiful people along the way. You will love harder and fight more fiercely than you ever knew was possible. And you will be completely convinced you won’t make it to here.

But you will.